Infliction v. Affection: The Mislabeling of Hate as “Love” in Intimate Relationships

Abstract: Introduction: “Hate” (the desire to harm another) can be stigmatizing, so people (especially those with a vested interest) may deflect the label by redefining hate or focusing on a benign ultimate goal. Aim: Thus, we hypothesized that intimate “partners” (versus relationship “outsiders”) would be less likely to label tethering – a type of hate wherein harm’s ultimate goal is to keep the partner close – as “hate.” Methods: Canadian undergraduates ( N = 189) randomly assigned the role of “sending” partner, “receiving” partner, or “receiver’s friend” (i.e., outsider) rated whether tethering-congruent items reflected, love, hate, or something else, and whether love and hate are best understood in emotional, motivational, or behavioral terms. Results: Broadly consistent with predictions, senders who conceptualized love as emotion-not-behavior labeled tethering as “love,” and receivers saw tethering as “love” if love is about what someone wants, not what they do. In contrast, although outsiders labeled tethering “love” when love was about motivation, they labeled it “hate” when conceptualizing hate in motivational terms. Discussion/Conclusion: These results suggest that self-protective motives and vested interests in relationship maintenance can lead to (the sometimes willful) failure to recognize hate and its harmful consequences.