The Friends They Have and the Friends They Want: Why Friendship Aspirations Usually Fail

Desired friends represent aspirational relationships. But are they realistic? Two longitudinal studies were conducted, each with two waves of data within a single school year. Participants included 340 boys and 385 girls, ages 10–14, from Florida (U.S.) and Lithuania. Participants identified and rank-ordered classmates who were desired friends and existing friends. Peer nominations assessed status and attributes (i.e., academic achievement , attractiveness , athleticism , fun, popularity , unpopularity ). Few (3.1–13.4%) desired friends became reciprocated friends. Desired friends had higher status and more favorable attributes than (a) those not nominated as desired friends and (b) those who desired them as friends. Youth had more in common with existing friends than desired friends. We conclude that desired friends represent unattainable ideals rather than realistic interpersonal goals.