THE DARK SPACE TURNIP

This paper introduces the Dark Space Turnip (DST), a deliberately absurd yet internally consistent gravitational object designed to highlight the epistemic looseness of modern dark‑matter modelling. By giving the DST a defined density profile, non‑Newtonian syrup interior, rotational anisotropy, quantum‑coherent xylem fibres, and self‑healing impact dynamics, the model reproduces all major observational signatures attributed to dark‑matter subhalos. The DST framework demonstrates that if a vegetable can fit the data, the underlying cosmological model is underdetermined.