Adrift in life: A longitudinal qualitative study into the lived experience of persistent suicidality

BACKGROUND: Despite growing scholarly interest in persistent or chronic suicidality, the lived experience and the meaning of being persistently suicidal remain inadequately understood. Therefore, this study longitudinally examines the lived experience of individuals with persistent suicidality. METHODS: This study entails a phenomenological, longitudinal analysis of serial interviews with 10 participants with lived experience of persistent suicidality. This study draws on interview data from two rounds, conducted in 2021-2022 and 2024. RESULTS: The essence of the lived experience of persistent suicidality can be captured in the theme 'adrift in life,' which is characterized by a sense of feeling lost or disconnected from life. Rather than unfolding along a linear path toward recovery or deterioration, persistent suicidality was experienced as ebbing and flowing over time, receding at moments and resurfacing at others. The five elements that further explicate this essence are: 1. Being overwhelmed by the harshness of existence; 2. Caught between the desire to die and the wish to live; 3. Not being good enough; 4. Conflicted between closeness and isolation; and 5. Having difficulty anticipating the future. DISCUSSION: Persistent suicidality is a deeply complex experience that often embodies conflicting feelings, including both the desire to live and the desire to stop living. Although persistent suicidality remains a profoundly difficult experience to live with, our findings suggest that over time, individuals may find ways to accept it and perceive it as a more bearable aspect of their life.