A multi-layered account of revisiting trauma through phases

Purpose This paper locates itself within the tradition of autoethnography to explore the emotional, ethical and embodied complexities of revisiting trauma, not the original traumatic event, but its unexpected resurfacing many years later. It aims to examine how trauma is reactivated through acts of disclosure and performance and how such moments reconfigure relationships to self, memory and vulnerability. Design/methodology/approach Adopting an evocative autoethnographic approach, this paper introduces a tripartite analytic framework of anticipation, disclosure and aftermath to conceptualise the temporal, psychological and relational dimensions of narrating trauma. The disclosure moment is situated within a keynote lecture, which operates simultaneously as performance, confession and risk. The analysis draws on personal histories of sporting identity, military service, psychological collapse and recovery, mobilising narrative, memory, humour and cultural reflection. Findings This paper demonstrates that trauma is layered, cumulative and culturally embedded rather than singular or episodic. It illustrates how masculinity, performance and vulnerability intersect in the construction and deconstruction of the self, and how revisiting trauma can generate unforeseen emotional consequences rather than resolution or closure. Research limitations/implications As an autoethnographic account, this research does not aim for generalisability. Instead, it offers conceptual insight into how trauma re-emerges across time and context, contributing to ongoing debates concerning ethics, reflexivity and the limits of narrative repair in qualitative research. Practical implications This paper highlights the risks and responsibilities associated with public disclosure of traumatic experience, particularly within academic and professional settings. It cautions against romanticised assumptions of therapeutic outcomes while demonstrating how autoethnography can provide a reflective space for meaning-making. Social implications By foregrounding vulnerability within traditionally masculine domains such as sport and the military, the paper challenges dominant cultural narratives of resilience, stoicism and recovery. It invites broader conversations about how trauma is lived, narrated and witnessed within social and institutional contexts. Originality/value This study offers an original temporal framework for understanding the revisitation of trauma through autoethnographic disclosure. Rather than claiming therapeutic triumph, it positions revisiting trauma as a conduit for thinking, feeling and connecting, a space where hope may tentatively take root without guarantees of resolution.