Behind familiar doors: a scholar's reflexive journey into insider research

Purpose This article has two main objectives. First, it examines the strengths and limitations of insider positionality in the process of gaining access to research participants, while responding to calls within Management and Organizational Studies to address the emotional strain experienced by both participants and researchers in qualitative research. Second, the article demonstrates the value of reflexive autoethnography in exploring personal assumptions, positionalities and emotional responses. Design/methodology/approach The research adopts an autoethnographic approach that weaves together sensemaking and reflexivity. The analysis is grounded in the lived experiences of an Early-Career Scholar navigating entry into a research field within a business school context, positioning the researcher as an insider. The analysis is further supported by the rest of the article's authorship team. Findings Our findings reveal that insider positionality can expose researchers to emotional strains relative to rejection, the management of expectations and the representation of other voices. While it eased organizational entry initially, it later constrained secondary access by triggering participants' fear of exposure, which challenges the assumption that insider access is inherently easy. Second, we identify autoethnography as a valuable and cathartic research method for the researcher, allowing them to share experiences and transform key moments of dissonance into insights through retrospective reflection. Originality/value This thought-provoking article presents a reflexive study that critically examines the insider researcher's positionality and assumptions during the process of gaining access, while also framing research as an immersive, emotional and interconnected endeavor.