<i>I got braces</i>; <i>I used to read the dictionary</i>

so that if I went home with the wrong manafter my first night out in a whileyou could know meby my dental recordsyou could knowby the bottom caninewhose crown is nestled lower than the othersgood for nothing exceptlooking cute certainly no practicaluse other than showing you I existedwhen I finally felt myselffree in a dress whose color I lovedgood for nothing exceptboosting my confidence certainly no practicaluse other than creating questionsabout how I existed tarnishing maybeall of who I am because I finally feltmyself in a world where I have been leftalone too long so long I forgothow to tell the red for firefrom the red like lovehow to tell the read like a fantasyfrom the read like the headlinefrom read as in read the roomas in read the book as in reedthe marsh where they found meclad in the kind of red that mingles wellwith blood and flags and rhymeswith leads face colored in naturallybarely there make up mouth openwide enough for you to see my teethto understand the world. So, the logic went,if I could understand the words, all of them,I would be as smart as anyone.And, it was also an insult, being calleda dictionary-reading, four-eyed little gremlin.Frowning into the laughter, I sputteredBut I don’t read the dictionary! More jeers,more guffawing, words I now knowfrom the dictionary, and the thesaurus.When you died, I did not knowhow to feel, so I asked my therapist.I was told I was grieving,but the puzzle in my minddid not slot into place. She told meI should consult the places of solace:the sacred halls of the library,even digitized, offer a darknessthis gremlin could rest in.My friend, OED, says, grievehas a Latin root gravis meaningheavy or serious, emphasizing the burdenof emotion. Its profundity. A Latinate rootcarries heft, the language of what isofficial. Mourn has a Germanic root;it is an aorist verb, which describes simple,singular action. To mourn.Verb. To express sorrow, longing,or regret. There are more uses listed. Mourn.Figurative. Abiding in heart or soul.Popular. Meaning, the language of commoners.The thesaurus says mourn and grieveare interchangeable, but it lies by omission.One I know is accurate. After all,this is what I go to the dictionary for:the clarity of knowing what word to dangleoff the sharp knife of my tongue.