Losing ‘my’ self: dementia, my mother and me

The aim of this paper is to discuss the impact of documenting through film the loss of self from the perspectives of a mother, and a daughter, the researcher. In summer 2023 I ventured into a new medium of creating an ethnographic documentary film to capture the impacts that advancing dementia was having on my mother’s sense of self, and on myself as daughter and, carer. As an ethnographic researcher versed in capturing individual biographies through photography and interviews, I recognised the significance of image alongside narrative for documenting the self. In this self-reflective paper I will discuss how the ethnographic film enabled a powerful and intimate observation of the everyday impacts of dementia on my mother, and how it raised awareness of the devastating impacts that the disease was having on our relationship and my own sense of self. Opening with an extended extract from the documentary film titled, ‘Where’s Wilma?’, the paper will discuss the significance of film as a medium for documenting auto/biographies. Reflecting on the ethical challenges of making such a personal, and at times painful film, I will share how I grappled with being both foremost a researcher, and then a daughter, who had to observe the harsh realities of her mother’s deterioration in situ through the film’s storytelling, through the camera lens, and after during the process of editing and screening. As dementia advances, the film becomes a record of self as it was then, and isn’t now, and never will be again.