What Devastated Means

The lilacs are blooming when I learn in the summer of 2022 that Roe will be overturned.I begin reading Charlotte's Web with my daughters Sigi and Lucia. Immediately, even though she claims preference for the unicorn books of no plot or character development, Lucia, who is six, is hooked, her eyes wide like moons when Fern takes hold of the ax in her father's hand and begs him not to kill the runt just because he's the smallest of the bunch.This is the most terrible case of injustice I ever heard of, Fern tells her father.I pause the story for a moment. Lucia is sitting on her bed, her knees tucked in close to her under her pink nightgown.What's injustice mean? I ask her, in part because the teacher in me is conditioned to check in about comprehension but more so because children, I think, are intuitively wise about the world in ways that we grownups sometimes forget.Hmm, she says, it means unfair but not like in a you got more whip cream than me kind of way. It's kind of like unfair but much, much bigger, and then she goes back to sucking at the sleeve of her nightgown, a habit she's developed in lieu of sucking her thumb.At the end of every chapter, especially when the mean-spirited sheep or that jerk Templeton reminds Wilbur he's destined for Christmas bacon, Lucia asks me, But wait, Mama, is Wilbur gonna die?He's not going to die, I tell her.Not in real life? she asks.The logic of the question—that there is a Wilbur who exists in real life, that stories are real—is one that underscores much of Lucia's worldview, though for how much longer I can't be sure. It's this same logic at work when she tells me she'd like to marry Jerry Mulligan, Gene Kelly's character in An American in Paris, or when she marvels at the dancing penguins in Mary Poppins not because she doesn't believe they're real but precisely because she thinks they are, the same kind of wonder I experience simply knowing whales exist without having ever seen one myself.I pause to think. Of course, there's the whole mortality thing I'm up against: even if Wilbur doesn't die in the scope of the novel, he's not immortal. And even though I know that Wilbur doesn't die in the novel, it feels cruel to pretend that Charlotte's Web has a happy ending.Wilbur doesn't die, I tell her.Lucia obviously sees through me because she asks, Does anyone die?But before I can answer, Sigi, who is three and a half, pipes in with her own question.Can pigs really talk? she asks.I do not know how to answer questions about mortality. It's not that I do not know how to discern my child's readiness for the reality of this world, exactly. It's that I resist this reality for her. And the fact is, I've just about given up on technical questions. I do not know how to answer ones like how does the radio work or are the people on the other side of the earth upside down?, which Lucia did ask me just a few days ago. I mumbled something about gravity and toilets running the opposite way, but the truth is, I had to stop a minute to think; I have never been good at physics. But a question about a radiant pig talking? It's one of those, like where was I before I was born or why do they call it a belly button when it's not a button, to which I usually have an answer, something clever, something a little cheeky, something magical if a little dodgy, something Mary Poppins might say, as when she tells Jane and Michael after they beg to continue to clean the nursery that enough is as good as a feast.Can pigs really talk? I repeat.Sigi nods.Definitely, I say, and Sigi erupts into laughter.They can really talk, Cia, Sigi tells her sister.Absolutely, Lucia says, and then she smiles at me, but not, it's clear, because she believes me, but because she's in on the joke too. There are some things, perhaps, that we both want to believe: that some stories are real, that there is such a thing in this world as a radiant, talking pig.I have never talked about it, but I've had an abortion.My first encounter with death occurred when my mother took me to a holiday bazaar in the basement of Holy Family Church. I must have been about three or so because it was shortly after we moved to Milwaukee and my mother was scouting preschools. The holiday bazaar was a combination of rummage sale and holiday cheer: booths of hot chocolate and homemade ornaments, in addition to tables and tables of castoffs: old coffee pots; grocery-store novels; rusting bikes; hanging racks of dresses of silk, cotton, plaids, and crushed velvet, which gave me goosebumps as I ran my fingers across them. The space was overheated with bodies and stuff, all smelling vaguely of stale cigarettes and moth balls. In the background there was the din of old ladies talking and tinny Christmas carols playing.Soon, my mother popped me into a folding chair for a magic show. The magician was wearing a tuxedo and had a simple microphone set up on a stage likely used for the annual Christmas pageant or church bingo. I remember little of the show. I'm sure there were the usual amateur acts: a few card tricks; the linking rings; the ol’ cup and ball routine. As the culminating act (and this I remember very well), the magician produced a frying pan for a variation on the dove pan trick, wherein a magician produces from an empty pan a beautiful dove. I remember the lead-up—lots of chitchat as I craned my neck around old ladies in heavy sweaters to see the pan—and then there was a flourish. My mother might have waggled her eyebrows at me, like get ready. I'm sure I was poised, along with the old ladies, to clap.Tada! the magician said and lifted the lid of the pan.Perhaps this was my first experience of simultaneity; I recall a gasp, a small movement of gray wing, and then a pause before the realization settled: The dove was dead. It had suffocated.For the purpose of the essay, I might decide this was the moment in which I realized my mother—any mother probably—could not shield me from the realities of the world. Maybe I might draw a conclusion about the limits of magic. Maybe I might make some connection to the dangers of limiting bodily autonomy.But all that would be a load of hooey. Perhaps it is true that my fear of church began then, but what remains, mostly, is the image of the dove's wing flickering like a lightbulb and a flurry of elbows as the audience rose like a flock of birds—my mother ushering me, too, from my seat—out of the basement and into the winter air.Before I got pregnant with Lucia, I was pregnant with a I was the to be and I both I to the and had an in a real and when I the in my the of and that of the in the and when children, from and a little are and for a when which in like a of in a wherein you the end of like a in the at the with you an as thing but you is of you with and is on belly on a on the Sigi is at and Lucia is of and from the I I tell my children, a real and Sigi and to the and up at the gray in me, Sigi and are my is mother earth in her is a of with and like a sitting on my And I with a of and the of a to it feels this moment. I know that when I I the of my is empty of children, I will the and the there are where Lucia and Sigi or to the reading in or into the or into a they to me, I for and from my in and an of my own at the very an like an a something but not in way, not something that but more of and it would be to learn to three then one you just get it, and you what it would be to have people having as around but I of it as having a There are when I to my from the of this world and when I the of in this world or the of the world with in it, that I of me as a of has that in the mother for after a is all to say, there's of the I in my of days after we begin Charlotte's Lucia tells me, as we are into because is little doesn't they you might want to draw the conclusion that my to the that I even as I to and not but be I'm of the of who to one and never summer at the end of I some it's the of the Lucia, who was at the into end of But they're my she I sometimes the kind of mother who but not Lucia something I and the kind who about of which given my moment of can me for in I have the are but of all that is The The I her up and her my the I was pregnant with my belly just to get it, I get it, I said to to a set to a about why the of Roe few after I learn Roe will be and I Lucia the because she sees a I for for my novel, and and asks what it do it in the all of in around her her are and I the and the of which to some is a to the The more or goes I at which is some of my to her, The thing to remember is you get to make about and I have to the so she doesn't see me this is me a or a I'm not sure is a when Roe is Lucia and I at the the and her is at summer The holiday is a few but she's a a with and as as a the of the of from the the of Roe she a to be a and and to make the kind of that might be to a for an or all and the of the of of the Lucia and I about Lucia to the was the to the of on the of The other a of Lucia of I she's at work to her I my to to to the I have about it but there's something to from the and the of summer and the of the and Lucia's little to in some than when she was given her her little at work to make this this world, in about my for the first was to all the you that the was a good that I a good mother in even because but I the about it all is that I had the to that Roe is I my to a about I the will do all I can in the Lucia her I'm Lucia and into the my are she asks, and it's she means how are in of it or how are you that the and I in a the when I to her, my Lucia on the to her I tell mean? Lucia from the back means very I tells me she of she heard the that and are at her that even her a is the back and like this for a in what I is enough and enough for both of I up the Lucia asks me why I'm so her my in the my the into The is a not sure what it's the of my and to her and the of the the or it is that my to to her, to has or it is because I she might be to me some I tell her that sometimes when a she doesn't want to be she's really or the is or having the would be for her, that some people die in that some people have a because it would make the I see Lucia's eyes I say, because the that if a is she has to have the what if she doesn't want the she Does she just kill the is a they're just a of a I tell her. I that to stop the she'd some course, I'm of all the how I to how I how I how I the in I'm because be to make for her own I she in a it's like In the I her the her I the can't into but you can decide about she you have you know they're of and than I'm to the but the fact is, it's not a to me why Lucia would have this It's because experience bodily as the whole and then own of in and on and under and then to a even though you her a and she'd a little and then she'd be and running and she be the moment she is to do that to make about her own much she at or to a or have the of and this she too, have she can't her she's or her when she Lucia's this and other is the work of stories are about this very In the is to to have a so that a doesn't in the so that he's of the of is that the and make a for that she can't to the and then to at her she a to In which Lucia has seen of from her after she her with an I to after and I Lucia the talk, which we all about the and she asks, was I before I was It's one of questions for which you might that you will a magical answer, something about some having for has the and I has it in to that kind of was I before I was she asks you were I the I was she were I Mama, Lucia was Lucia, I say, I know where you she says, I I was up with the and when you you a they a in you and me in about I what I from this is that sometimes there is a of and to the and sometimes we just want a more a when Lucia her first she she to up her for the and her a her to this but then you can all the you the will for she me, and I a magical her one of magical that the of In my I on first I can how that is to I and I you I to the with something is a beautiful for The that a in was and then and had to to to and that her an one of the my children, my from and with they're But they're in something an might with that through the and to an have into for my and when they they hand to do it, they the will that a might be in that it a on the what be I took my to a magic a one on the in I'm a about amateur (and of I have some about magic but a me to her and her The magician was a and a like from did the usual of acts: a few card the trick, dove of the audience the up three and a for a were or on some on this was no magic The of to see the The in the on an audience on the stage The the before in a in a the have a the magician and I eyes at other as magician the on the is that you get to one of to one do you whole simply to make this that really the Lucia to I'm going to draw a connection to the that bodily is the of a It's are, been about Lucia's to her first in what she her which from her bed, her a from her a of her old the she got from the and I remember that there was a in my who in a and that in after I a wherein a I my teacher at my to the was my for the how it got a on a were to the and and to with the on as in the plot of with not just about but about was kind of a for a of I was an about this I up a on up a at the at the and the is to my own of like her that close was a of I when I her at for an her from my not as though she were a but as though she were just an a of we at on I was to in I'm not sure I from Jane an that did we about the were up on her her tucked back into my was the conclusion sure you can the of the even at the she said at are an and is a terrible must have been in wait, for the to the In the and and that was that in a of my to me before Lucia was It was in from my and my I've never used it with my own has it Lucia and and every in a I Perhaps a too, tells me all the when I for to her to a or to her that a a is a for I get to make about my own and sometimes I'm just but most of the I you get to make about own something her have her, and she the And I to the but when I tell her for the that it's to to and she for the that she to make about her own I have to her that when she doesn't doesn't and she's a for the to in this world, is so with that it's to tell there's a the I the that when to a few a knees in the the in when she tells me that she got all I Lucia along on her at after of to her the she does so and you see you see if ever in a you know how and are from one My mother who and her this winter me she'd die than a the that Roe is I a in a Lucia her in the It's I Lucia around the her through space some I of a and for the first I have to to up to to that I have this to even for things, like if I a and I it on the then I must at more so that it has a Of course, I know a is not a not to my I do not the for habit when I was a when I a of was at the that I of it, the with smelling good and like an to smelling is a death for the habit when I was a And I know this but just the other I was the the ones I on because it feels like a I might to my from the in the I this because I want to you that I a good one into the and then the Of course, I more with it, and then because all of a with my three children, a means I to before is the not sure what answer I was but it a I was him to say, not, to my own back to with for one but we have this I is, I'm not but I and And I do that for a I my without Lucia, Sigi, and and of would be if I had an is something you are not to say, and I know that there is no on earth I be so like so other I I for a to And sometimes I that the I the to said the with I my in and the space like a days after the of Roe is Lucia, Sigi, and I across on the It's hot but the in the and the of the of Charlotte's when tells Wilbur that she is death and Wilbur on the in both Lucia and I both into you because Charlotte's gonna Sigi asks eyes like Lucia and I tell her, and Sigi before the and a of in the in just a few that and she tells too, Sigi, Lucia and then but I'm that is development, will a more like the for of for too. As not learn to the and but and the and Maybe it is that Lucia feels as an Sigi feels it as a I think, too, that can be and that part of what up that has a kind of but is with other Perhaps we have for the same the has for Sigi is Lucia me tells me that she's not to the of but she can't stop about never to see her she tells me and then into my the thing that I'm up on like she the she's to not get Wilbur to she Lucia's world, are is the that and I around to as in the of not a of is that you will be but to if you to there will be a to have a even though she does the thing Wilbur from that is to doesn't make a of does I a kind of or I fear that I but I resist the to about the dangers of about about how Charlotte's than the of the in the that doesn't work in the same that even does that the fact that she is that world is an that just what to Lucia asks they die when they have are people who I've never been one of I my so that and are under but under and are, this likely but fear or in too, under reading Charlotte's Web with my children, which is under given that it's that I that and not the the of knowing the answer to Lucia's I to die after I Lucia and I learn from which is a thing that sometimes die after the but do not and for for a of the ones that die, do without Lucia her on the in of as I around for the learn that the more or without the of me Lucia especially at the end of a which Sigi has me that she to make about her own a which she has what she's to (and not on her own Sigi will that I her up the and on her for her, and she will if I do not can't do it Mama, I sometimes Lucia, who every me something she can do on her own just a few days when she her and her she on a chair in of the and the and the and her own for will where she will into my and be like a as both and so does bodily I is just because we can learn to do all doesn't we like there's in of part of the of things, as Mary in Maybe it's part of the that at the very end of Charlotte's is so very to have some of Charlotte's with It is why is so very with tells three of decide to I just a mother who can that I'm not going to tell you that I I was pregnant a few after my on an summer in and that the my were and the with that I in the every that summer as I did with my who the was me and that when I to the because I be back in for I the of it and up and to and about or because that like that when I The that about a from the of I the to really as she was folding the how it would in her of a to really it, how it would make the in her the her in her the very that she was and than and not how at that I to even a of how when me for the first after said I was and I if that I was but was with the that I how I all summer to set up a first for my to but was because of the that I make an after that I even with even though the were how then I the for the that the I was I was three pregnant but to the that I the on and a on my and in my that I to do because my I up stories about the my for in the and that sometimes same but that I we did was just an because I was and how the the I get a of the that my just simply that because of my I got an hand to as the my belly and my how the it had to for the we from the how was so how I a to the of my a few in of having a how the I as of on which a had to be just a little more in an to the because to how when I got the call from the at I was on a my first or to tell the or across the and that I just to her how the was but got a and had a enough to there's something with the before going back to and that when the me that same In there even been a question of what to do and I'm about the not to that when my I my to the so much in the world as it the and what how when I a in that would the the on the of and I because I that was how it to have a how the of my I a at something with the I think, because it was a of the truth as I through my how the who my that to me and the and how we draw own how my first me with a of to make me and and that I I was pregnant with Lucia the the we was and how that like some kind of my the the of knowing my as that would like a and really I just you to know that I had the and I