An apology to my body: Mapping the changing relationship with my fat body, a reflection on childhood & PCOS

I was diagnosed with Polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) in 2009 by an older white male doctor who essentially stressed to my Mum and me that I could end up with Type 2 Diabetes, which could lead to me going blind. This scaremongering and the lack of data, both international and Aotearoa population-based data (which, 15 years later, there is still a gap), let alone specifically about PCOS Pacific women, led to restrictive dieting and discomfort in my body. As I have grown, so too has my body – in height, in weight, but now also in love, care and appreciation. This paper is an interview of reflection on my PCOS journey to date, apologizing to my body for the trauma ill-informed health practitioners subjected us to, appreciating the ways she has served me, and finally loving her for what she is. In order to express and contextualize the mamae (hurt) endured over almost two decades, literature will be referenced to show how misunderstood PCOS and fat bodies are. Tui Atua Tupua Tamasese Ta’isi (2018) states that harmony between a person and self acknowledges that humans are self-reflective beings. Through self-reflection, human intelligence and wisdom transpire. This paper is a self-reflection, and the wisdom is what I needed access to as a teenage girl, rather than calories on a nutritional label, to not only educate and support me but also to help me have a healthier relationship with my body.