Shades of belonging: my identity in black and white

Purpose To present an autoethnographic narrative of how racialization, gendered expectations, respectability politics, religious socialization and sexual violence shaped one Black woman’s sense of belonging and her professional turn to sexuality counseling. Design/methodology/approach Reflexive autoethnographic narrative. Findings Four patterns emerge: (1) redlining and respectability politics produced a double bind of being “not Black enough” and “not white enough;” (2) colorism and body policing sexualized the author and constrained peer acceptance; (3) Catholic schooling and a conservative Black church enforced linguistic and moral norms that marginalized AAVE and healthy sexual self-knowledge and (4) sexual assault, enabled by peer complicity, led to dissociation and, later, through ADHD diagnosis and self-advocacy, a reframing toward resilience and liberatory practice. Research limitations/implications As a single-author, retrospective account grounded in memory, this work does not seek generalizability. Practical implications Practitioners can act by auditing forms, policies and curricula for respectability and language bias; integrating intersectional, trauma- and pleasure-informed case formulations and reflective supervision and implementing anti-adultification and anti-colorism practices in youth-serving contexts. The narrative also highlights consent-centered, faith- and culture-responsive counseling, ADHD-sensitive scaffolding and co-created safety plans as low-cost adjustments that enhance access, retention and trust. Social implications Institutions should interrupt adultification, hypersexualization, colorism and language shaming; normalize consent-centered sexualities education across faith and school settings and expand access to affirming counseling, community accountability and inclusive norms for Black women and femmes. Originality/value This practitioner-scholar’s situated account links lived experience to practice, showing how interlocking structures across family, school, church and peer cultures contour pleasure, agency and belonging and mapping pathways from harm to care-centered leadership.