Mole's Comedia IV. Purgatorio. Canto XXV–LIII.

Mole has written a paper for submission to a journal. He is traveling with the shade of Francis Bacon, the Father of the Scientific Method, who previously took him on a tour of Grant Hell (seeMole's Comedia I and Mole's Comedia II). Together Mole and Sir Francis (‘Frank’) sail to the shores of Paper Purgatory (seeMole's Comedia III) and are about to climb the mountain. On the seven terraces they will meet the potential reviewers of Mole's paper.For some reason, like the tale of Grant Hell, this story is told in triplets that don't rhyme. Probably they did in Italian, but it would have been too much trouble to make the translation rhyme. I bet Mole used Google translate, since he doesn't speak Italian, and the rhyming AI he tried was pretty useless. No, more likely, Mole couldn't be bothered and just made it all up. We join our travelers, at the first of the seven terraces of Paper Purgatory.By and by, we come to the first terrace. Here,Reviewers are dropping huge stonesOnto the papers at their feet.I recognize one, Professor Pig. “Pig!”I cry. “What are you doing to that paper?You are crushing it, what's the deal?”1“Mole! How's it hanging?2 I'm reviewing anInteresting paper, but I can think of a lot of waysTo make it so much more interesting!“For example, they should repeat all of theirExperiments at night! And in monkeys! Oh,And they can do some of them in space!”3Frank takes my arm, and we walk on to theSecond terrace. Here are many more reviewers,Their eyes shown shut, their fingers busy writing.“What is this? Why are they blind?” I ask Frank.“Here are the reviewers who don't believe the conclusionsBefore they have even read the paper”, he says, sadly.“They deplore the model system, or believe they ‘know’That the results must be other than presented. TheyFear that it will create controversy, which they eschew.”“But isn't controversy good for science?” I ask.“Controversies often lead to new insights andEnliven a field!” But Frank shakes his head, sadly.“No amount of evidence will change their minds,It is hopeless. The papers they are reviewing are doomedUntil the authors find other reviewers at another journal.”4Soon we are enveloped in dark smoke and gloom,The third terrace. Here there are reviewers who areRaging as they make notes on the pages in their hands.I recognize my colleague, Professor Civet, of theEvil smell. “Civet”, I cry, “why are you so angry?Take a breather,5 and tell me what these authors did to you?”“Hi Mole”, says Civet. “What these? Nothing!My last paper was savaged at this journal, and thereIs no way I can give these folks an easy time.”“But Civet”, I reply, “As an author yourself,You know that this is a vicious circle6. TheyWill do the same thing to you when they review!“You need to break the chain7 and beKind and encouraging. That way, they willGenerously review the next paper. See?”“Go bite a monkey!” he says, angrily.We walk away, up to the fourth terrace,Where reviewers are sleeping or playing pickle ball.Others were busy at meetings or writing grants.Anything except reviewing papers. “These aren'tBad people”, says Frank, “except they are.“They agreed to review a paper but put it off.Weeks go by, and the journal sends them emails,Ignored. The papers are stuck here.8And often”, continues Frank, “when they do finallyDo the review, they climb down to the third terrace.Let's go up to the fifth terrace. Need an espresso?”Here we find reviewers chained to the ground, writhingOn the papers that they have to review.I saw my friend, Professor Manatee, of the great mustache.“Manatee!” I call out, “Why are you so entangled?”“It's this paper”, he replies, “the data are clear and support theConclusions, but I don't like the methods they used.“There are much better methods, and while they areExpensive, I think they have to go back and do it all again,The way I would have done it.”9 He nibbles on the paper.“On to Terrace Six”, whispers Frank, shaking his head.And here we find reviewers overcome by hunger and thirstAs they peruse the papers in their hands.“They are famished”, notes Frank, “they hunger for moreInformation.” I can see that these reviewers are genuinelyInterested in the papers they are reading but not satisfied.I stop one and speak with him. His name is Rabbit.“This is all very cool,10 but there is so much more they can do”Proclaims Rabbit. “How does this work? And this? Mechanism!”And with that, he slips down into a rabbit hole.11On the Seventh Terrace we find reviewers who areWaving papers in the air as though throwing themBut not letting them go. “These are the reviewersWho are unable to finally say ‘yes’, who with eachRevision, continue to demand more.“Oh, I forgot”, he tells me. “Here are the reviews of your ownPaper.” He hands me several pages. Glancing over them I can seeThat my reviewers had visited all seven terraces.Looking up, I see the summit, where opalescent light shown.“It is Paper Paradise”, explains Frank. “That is when your paper isAccepted in Principle, awaiting only days and maybe weeks of busy work.12And of course, exorbitant publication charges.”“Oh Frank, I would be so happy to be there!” says I,“But now I have to climb slowly down and start all over again.”13