The Physics of Marriage

You believe in a world with rules, and, unlike so many of us, you live by them. You like to repeat the axiom, To find a solution you must first identify the problem. I don't like feeling like I am in a middle management seminar, but you are rarely wrong.I don't speak your language, but I try. I tell you that NASA sent a spacecraft to crash into an asteroid to prepare for the day when they see something hurtling toward us that will destroy everything. I tell you that I think I see an asteroid. Law of Universal Gravitation:The attraction between two objects increases the bigger the objects are and the closer they are together. This explains why, this close to the earth, even a grain of sand is drawn to the ground. But attraction fades with distance and it is easy for two objects to drift slowly apart, outside the limit of each other's orbit. Dishes, after all, are not sexy.The strength of the pull between two objects depends on:m1—the size of the first objectm2—the size of the second objectr—the distance between the two objectsThe dive bar is nestled up next to a 7-Eleven in a strip mall entirely surrounded by starter homes. My sneakers cling to the sticky floor. We perch on uncomfortable stools and lean over the thick wooden bar to watch the bartender push a plastic straw through a potato. It is a slow night.Despite your height, you do not loom large the night we meet. You speak very little, and I have to work to draw a word or smile from you. You are the only one of the three men there who is not trying to get me into bed. With our mutual friend in between us, I admit, I am not all that drawn to you, but I notice how my eyes are pulled to yours for just a moment as I jump on my bus to head home.The next time we meet, you find a place next to me, seven of us squeezed in a booth meant for four. Our legs pressed together, our shoulders touching, it seems impossible not to fall into your quiet orbit. As we watch the Dodgers fight for their life against the Cardinals, I ask which team you like. You tell me you like the red team. With faux horror, I ask why.“Because I like their costumes.”I'm often still the only one who can tell when you are joking. The Dodgers lost the pennant to the Cardinals, and while I teased that it was your fault, I went home with you that night.Solution:No, let's not do that.Better.Snell's Law:It is a common misconception that the speed of light is always the same. If that were the case, things that depend on refraction—the bending of light—such as glasses, telescopes, microscopes, and cameras wouldn't work. There would be no rainbows. Colors, if discernable, would look less vibrant. Like most things, the speed of light is only consistent in a vacuum without anything around to affect it. The minute you introduce new variables, everything changes. Different environments, such as glass or water, can slow light down so much that it is forced to change direction.c—the speed of light in a vacuumv1—the speed of light in the first environmentv2—the speed of light in the second environmentθ1—the angle at which the light was traveling just before entering the second environmentθ2—the angle that measures the difference in the path the light takes after it enters the new environmentWhen I hurtled toward you from space, I didn't realize you were water. That instead of continuing my frenetic flight into the next galaxy, you would change my direction so much that nothing would look the same ever again.Early in our relationship, you said, “I've never known anyone in such a rush without knowing where they wanted to go.”When you make breakfast for me on Saturday morning, you grate parmesan and cut rosemary from the garden, you mix flour and eggs and milk to make your own waffle batter. It had never occurred to me to make something like waffles from scratch.“Things taste better when they are done right,” you say.Instead of taking my Foreign Service Officer Test, I learn to garden. And I learn the hard way how quickly weeds can overtake everything of value if you don't get them when they are small.Later, when I move in, my tiny Goodwill table looks like children's furniture in your dining room. Your ex had taken your handmade butcher block table that had once perfectly filled the space. So, before we host our first Thanksgiving, we spend three weeks shaping wood—2 × 8s, 2 × 4s, and 4 × 4s—to make a table of our own. You teach me how to cut tiny slices with the chop saw and how to stop at the exact same depth each time so we could break the thin pieces left behind and create a perfect space for another piece of wood to relax into. When I fuck up one of the legs, we go back to Home Depot and start again. You have a vacuum cleaner specifically for sanding. “It is important to have the right tool for the job,” you say. One Thursday night after sanding for hours, you fall asleep on the table. Despite my diligent swatch tests, I still end up staining, stripping, staining, stripping, and staining again until I get the color right.Solution:First Law of Thermodynamics: ∆U = Q – WEnergy cannot be created or destroyed—it can only be transformed. Heat turns into motion which turns into light. The energy between us has not diminished, it just became something else.Q—the amount of heat (energy) added to a systemW—the amount of work done (energy lost)∆U—the change in total energyOn the metro on the way home from our first date, you kiss me. I never liked PDA, but for you I make an exception. That energy, that passion, did not dissipate. It only found another form.You like to kiss my neck. But you only do it when I am at the counter, usually with a knife in my hand. I jump when you find my sensitive spots and so I used to playfully scold you. Now, I just snap, “Stop.” I know you know better.Solution:Increase in relationship energy = (More sex) – (Less effort to maintain civility)Torque Formula:What does this mean? It tells you how much effort you will need to rotate something. To turn something around. It means that the closer you are, the more effort you need to twist something beyond recognition, but that it is surprisingly easy to spin something that is far away.In the kitchen, we orbit each other, never colliding as we clean—losing the never-ending battle against entropy. I sigh when you remind me to soak a dish instead of just leaving it in the sink. You are right, of course. So, I say, “Ok.” You spin the syllables around in the air before you and suddenly my acquiescence is an attack.The strength of the torque (τ) increases with:r—the distance from the point of rotationF—the amount of force used (obviously)θ—the angle of approach (up to 90 degrees, after which it starts to decrease again)I am frustrated by the fact that we have gotten five red lights in a row. It is Sunday morning and there is no reason that we should be stopped at a light in front of a high school. “No one is even going there today,” I grumble.“It is strange how irritated you get about little things like this,” you say.“Is it a moral failing?”“Little things deserve little reactions. Your reaction affects me, and I don't want to be affected by these little things.”“Then choose not to be affected by my emotional state. If I can choose not to be annoyed, then you can choose not to be affected by me. By your own logic—”“Stop,” you cut me off. “I understand your point.”We are so far apart it takes almost no effort to twist each other. I am afraid the next turn will break us.Solution:Decreasing damage done from torque = (Decrease distance from each other while speaking) × (A gentle tone) × (A soft approach—from above or below—not straight on)Newton's Third Law of MotionIn chemistry, reactions are predictable. Baking soda and vinegar create the same bubbles every time. In physics too, it is easy to predict how colliding bodies will interact.“The interview went well,” I say.“Good,” you respond. “What are we doing for dinner tonight?”Your push sends me flying and, as required by the laws of physics, forces you even further in the opposite direction. We find ourselves as far as possible on either end of the couch.Solution:There can be no solution to an observation without an equation.Ok, fine. I will try. If we cannot stop reacting, we must stop pushing.The Second Law of Thermodynamics: ∆S ≥ 0Without the addition of energy from outside a system, the change in entropy (the measure of disorder) is greater than, or at best, equal to, zero. Or: without a fuckton of work, chaos is always increasing.We spend our tiny sums of energy fighting the universe's inevitable dissolution into disorder. My nails are packed with dirt as I marvel at the how strongly the tiny roots cling to the soil. How often the plant snaps in half before allowing for change. After an hour, three garden beds are, for a time, free of entropy.When I come in, you thank me. I touch your arm and smile when you pull me in for a hug. That night you sit close to me and when I inevitably fall asleep on the couch, this time my head falls on your shoulder.Solution:The small, daily battles we win against The Unraveling≥Rate at which our love falls apart The experiment confirmed what scientists at NASA already knew. What theoretical physics already established as true—that the sooner they can affect the course of the asteroid, the less energy it will take. A small push can change direction drastically when you catch it early. Of course, you know this.Don't you?