Please listen

Author of award-winning memoir, Difficult Gifts: A Physician's Journey to Heal Body and Mind. Creator of patient-advocacy blog, “Elephant, Lotus, Brain Tumor” Motivational Speaker: patient advocacy, brain cancer awareness, narrative medicine I wake, eyes fluttering open from an anesthesia-induced slumber Across from me in the post-anesthesia care unit I hear machines beeping, coarse breathing, gasping, wheezing and fear A man nearby sounds like he is drowning in his own secretions An exacerbation of congestive heart failure my own post-craniotomy brain tells me I am a physician, but today I am a patient This is a new role for me. In many ways, it is much harder I hear the nurse page anesthesia overhead Respiratory assistance needed stat, bed two In bed three, I open my lips and whisper He needs diuretics, positive pressure ventilation I can help. Let me help I try to get someone's attention But I am a patient, lying alone in a bed with a bandage on my skull and blood on my cheek Yesterday, I worked in this hospital now I am a patient, unable to assist My autonomy is gone, expertise unknown My badge removed and stuffed in a bag with my belongings and my voice The nurse finally sees me Are you in pain? He asks I try to say no, but my words slur and disappear I feel vulnerable and alone, thrust to the other side, where I am seen as patient and nothing more Do all of my patients feel this way? I wonder I hear the team arrive to help bed two What happened? A resident asks, panic in her voice I am an internist. I can help him Please listen. Diuretics, positive airway pressure, elevate his head the man in bed two. That is what he needs. I whisper again The team sees a postoperative patient mumbling words Why won't they listen? My identity is reduced to the patient in bed three My words go unheard Is this what it feels like to be a patient? I must never forget this When my patients speak, I promise to listen The author has nothing to report. The author declares no conflicts of interest.