Just Work on the Connection … Rest Would Fall in Place

“ They are in the waiting room” said the case-manager, trying to prepare me for what to expect. A grandmother entered the toy-filled interview room with her grandson, his child-safety officer, and his youth-worker. The grandson, a kid approaching his adolescence, however, disappeared suddenly, his case-manager following him. Earlier, the child’s case-manager had briefed me about this boy and his family. I also tried to read up the available records to prepare myself. The system appeared to be stretched, the worries seemed infectious. The grandmother looked exhausted; She had her own burden of intergenerational trauma and possibly a traumatic past which she might have passed on to this boy; she had decided to take up the parenting responsibility of her grandson because the child’s mother was sick and incapable of parenting. “He is bouncing off the walls, very active all the time, these medications do not seem to do much, doctor; he sleeps little at night, wakes up at 3 AM, it is very difficult for me to sleep because I am scared what he might do at night” complained the grandmother. “He does not sit in class, runs around and gets aggressive; he has already been suspended a few times, if it goes on like this, he would be kicked out soon” the child safety officer added. Clearly, they wanted some magic to happen and unfortunately, they wanted me to be the magician. I had been in such situations before, but things do not get easier with repetition. “What am I missing here?” I thought, “is it not attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), or is it ADHD mixed with other conditions?” My mind got flooded with questions and I tried to direct our conversation to get some answers. The more we explored and the more we knew, the greater the number of possibilities which emerged. A knock on the door, followed by the boy barging the door open, interrupted our conversation. His case-manager was standing behind him. “I am hungry grandma, I need to eat, did you bring something to eat?” demanded the grandson. “I had offered food to you in the morning, you chose not to eat, now you are asking me for food?” answered the irritated grandma. “Could you please give me some money so that I can buy some food here?” pleaded the grandson “Let me finish this session and then we would go home and would get you something” the grandma replied. The grandson did not seem to be happy with the proposal. We decided to finish the session and get back later. In my mind I imagined a baby in the arms of his mother sleeping peacefully with his head rested comfortably on the shoulder of his mother, a gentle peaceful smile on his face, that feeling of safety and acceptance; I also visualized the proud mother feeling happy, comfortable, connected to her baby and keenly watching him. When I compared that feeling with the current scenario, I realized that a lot was missing indeed. “How did it go today?” asked the case-manager after the session was over. “It was an interesting discussion” I answered, “but I really want to know what you think of the situation?” “Well,”, the case-manager started “I think it is the connection problem, the grandmother is possibly burnt-out. I think, she has the parenting skill but right now she is too reactive and less thoughtful. Child Safety should have provided parenting supports to improve the connection between the grandma and grandson, instead, they provide youth worker supports who take the kid away for activities, reducing contact time with grandma. This young boy is not getting emotional safety, security, at home, because of which he is finding it hard to meet the demands of school environment. “He is possibly still stuck in the first stage” I thought, as I remembered the Eriksonian stage of “Trust versus Mistrust.” “Looks like a long way ahead and a lot to do” I commented, “but the first thing is to bring the Child Safety on the same page,” I added. “So, we have a plan, but it’s not going to be easy” the case manager smiled and replied. Financial support and sponsorship Nil. Conflicts of interest There are no conflicts of interest.