Stepparenting and Moral Parenthood

What is the value of the stepparent–stepchild relationship? In the social imaginary, such relationships are the unfortunate consequence of the breakdown of marriages involving children. At best, stepparents are seen as second-best solutions to marriage breakdowns where both biological parents are incapable of meeting all the financial and emotional needs of the child now that their romantic relationship has come to an end. At worse, stepparents are seen as the likely culprits when children are murdered or go missing.1 Still, even though ordinary citizens can come to agree that in some cases children are better off with a stepparent than without one, many people think that children in stepparent families are “more unstable, more dissatisfied, and more insecure than children in intact two-parent families, as well as being more neglected and less loved” (Saint-Jacques et al. 2020, 2140). One widespread belief about stepfamilies is that the stepparent–stepchild relationship is parasitic on the romantic relationship between the child's biological parent and her stepparent. While they are romantically involved, the stepparent must then treat the child in an affectionate and caring way, but if the romantic relationship comes to an end, it is acceptable (if not desirable) for the stepparent to completely remove herself from the child's life. One expert summarizes societal attitudes in the wake of a relationship breakdown as “Well you're done with that relationship, walk away” (Selinger-Morris 2022). [Former stepmother] has behaved in a very cold-hearted way. She has been my mother since I was seven or eight and has just abandoned me. That's it (Malnick 2013). It's odd that for a third of my life, this person (the former stepmother) was one of my parents, and I don't talk to her now (Coleman et al. 2015, 781). I burst into tears [when the romantic relationship came to an end] because I was closer to [former stepmother] than to my own mother (Ibid., 782). I was a spoiled only kid, and Mom, she had the best intentions but not the best influence maybe. [My former stepfather], I think, was countering that, and if not for him I probably would have come out even more rotten. … I think he, he had a very positive effect as a father figure (Ibid., 781). It is honestly so hard. I am grieving the loss of two girls who are perfectly healthy and alive, I'm just not allowed to see them. I helped raise these girls for three years and spent 80% of their time with them, day in and day out. I honestly feel like a part of me has gone. I have just started to think about having kids of my own… but the more I look into it, the more scared I get. Because how can I love anyone like I loved those girls? How can I even open my heart to more babies? I know how much my heart is capable of loving now, because of those two girls, and I didn't even give birth to them (Anonymous 2021). I think it will always be sad. The grief of losing them was as big a part of my heartache in my separation from their father, as the grief of losing him was. In the 7 years I was in the relationship I made 14 birthday cakes for my step kids, each year more elaborate than the last. I bought every dress for the school dances for my girl and every pair of footy boots for my boy. I took the children away camping on school holidays often while both of their parents worked (Kate 2015). In this essay, I hope to lay out the philosophical basis for legal changes that do justice to stepparent–stepchild relationships. I hope to show that such relationships can be morally on a par with the relationships children enjoy with their biological parents, and that when this is the case, the stepparent is morally entitled to shared custody, irrespective of whether the biological parents consent to such an arrangement, and irrespective of the level of parental competency on the part of the biological parents. The discussion is structured as follows. In Part I, I defend the claim that stepparent–stepchild relationships can be just as meaningful and just as important as the relationship children enjoy with their biological (and adoptive) parents. In Part II, I argue that current legal arrangements relating to stepfamilies are deficient and that, in fact, philosophers working on the ethics of parenting have not yet developed monist accounts of moral parenthood which could help challenge such arrangements. In Part III, I defend my own monist account of moral parenthood, and show that it does justice to all parents, whether they are biological, adoptive, or part of step/blended families. In Part IV, I discuss the practical and legal implication of my account. In Part V, I deal with four objections and conclude. Let on the are legal in the the stepparent as person who own parent the or of the parent and has biological relationship to the In of the a stepparent as a person is not the parent of the or has or in a relationship with a parent of the and while in a relationship with a parent of the the child as a of the with the would be the people have in when to a stepparent. that these to or the level of the stepparent in a child's life. What is in the is the that is an of being in a romantic relationship with a biological the child as a of the to this the stepparent from and is the of the relationship between the stepparent and the biological those treat their and as of the it be to the stepparent–stepchild relationship to the romantic relationship between the stepparent and the biological it would be a to that the value of the stepparent–stepchild relationship is parasitic or of the value of the relationship between stepparent and the biological many stepparents are in the of the for a to go and they do so not because they to their romantic but because they value the relationship they enjoy with their and know that the they have been in the of them to to that the child's The stepparent is then one of the people children in the that they have done their them to a or for a or just being to and them. The stepparent is their can they or that they are the moral to in life. The stepparent then and for or her or their on the relationship, the stepparent important with the about the of the of with and so on and so One child summarizes the of her stepparent is like been in life, and I him my my and both my (Coleman et al. 2015, The can help see this a a and that biological father her and have had two biological children and the three children for the children when he is not them for their them love and that if would to treat the children in the he would be just as in as he was when was part of their life. if think that the value of and relationship is parasitic or of the value of the relationship between and then is in the the relationship between and less that would be a very if the relationship between them even more if is now the only person the of loving that is for to go well and 2015). It was a like in the to figure out the of I of my in their on the in the was their their their I with the belief that my took away from them. yet I to give them more than I I was that my love would be It's that always a that stepparents are that they are not parents, it is not that it so to her in the of her and their biological father much so that this romantic relationship came to an is would likely not of if her biological father was in the irrespective of how the biological father was to one expert is that the stepparent–stepchild relationship will if the marriage is because stepparent–stepchild relationship has been as of the relationship to the parent and not to of the (Ibid., I don't see as than don't always to and a of a into the end. While I have many of I my with and I have to the her to see the I see she me and I'm her The she The she of how she and will to one stepparent–stepchild relationships can be just as to the as relationships or this is so social that stepparent families are less to is so the that stepparents and are often without social to their The is that stepparents can a in the of a on the part of many they are as social parents this not only their social but their legal and both children and stepparents in an the romantic relationship between stepparent and biological or parent come to an In the I that stepparent–stepchild relationships can be just as to the children and the who for them as relationships and In Part III, I will for this claim a monist account of moral parenthood that has the to the stepparent as a moral I do that, I the legal that these relationships as a of I show that current philosophical accounts of moral parenthood are to challenge the a of children with a parent and a stepparent in (Coleman et al. 2015, stepparent–stepchild relationships are not the in the relationship between parent and stepparent come to an end. this is so step marriages being more likely to than marriages One for the summarizes it to the that stepparents are in the legal being are the In stepparents are even if they have for and a for have and In the biological have been the stepparents in a very if biological parents do not consent to the in a child's life. What is is a for stepparents they and the that they be legal step is to the to be a of to for custody, which from to (Ibid., In they are they must then the legal to biological and the stepparent must show that child's best will be the stepparent One not be a legal expert to see that this a deal of to whether stepparents as legal parents, and that such a social and legal that does not see stepparents as parents (Ibid., In the is just as can of a child if biological consent to it and a is one of the of parenting and because the biological it must be that it is in the best of the and where the the of the biological mother and the of the biological father to have because the the of the child from her and the of a The was to from the child who was 7 when the biological mother It without that it is for stepparents and that the value of their relationship on relationships and the for of It is important to that many cases of will children who are not or to who have them. One have that philosophical accounts of parenthood would have the of these legal philosophers have monist accounts of moral parenthood that are or when it comes to or accounts which stepparents but without them morally on a par with biological and parents. I can of the accounts help to the me be on I a moral legal or social parents, the moral parent is the with the moral to in a relationship with a her life. of the legal parent then be a account of moral parenthood, since a moral to parent is the that an has a a account of moral parenthood to not only who is allowed to a relationship with a but who is allowed to in a relationship it has developed a do accounts of moral parenthood look philosophers have for accounts of moral The is that is a morally of being for a child's all accounts have been developed to of accounts are more or less when it comes to such as or accounts of moral parenthood are and so the of moral parenthood in only one that is the case, it is that are to stepparents as moral parents. are for a account that on the to the of or stepparents to all of them since stepparents are in in the of their one to be morally are are because they don't the of moral parenthood in only one because they that moral parenthood can be of parental for such accounts be all about the morally of between parent and the of parental to a for the of moral parenthood in more than one such accounts the they The is that such accounts for to be between of is because that moral parenthood in a account can be more or less In the is only to being of parental not show that all such are morally if that a is more morally than to the parental than they are to a of that the parent as a parent than a the of accounts is that they out between of parenting with some parents being parents than is not to that accounts have their own they are better to all cases of parenting that are in that have the of I am not to show that all accounts of moral is that if about the stepparent as a moral and the that they are in some parents, then are better off accounts of moral In if to an account that out of parenting the are better off a monist account of moral parenthood, which one to the of who has a moral to parental and who has a moral to on to these both the and of parental are about who as the moral parent of a do monist accounts that are not better when it comes to the philosophers have for where the moral parent is the one who to the parental accounts are not with the of is a that stepparents don't or their for the parental What they do is for being a only to the relationship that they in the parental all biological parents that in not to have an and parents who a legal stepparents don't their relationship with their as social and legal parents. is because social and legal them this is not even an It is because it is better for the child if the stepparent a moral parent only the romantic relationship has to be In a way, the stepparent–stepchild relationship is more like a relationship in that the herself in an relationship with a child of an relationship she has with the child's moral be one could argue that in a romantic relationship with the child's a stepparent has to the parental she has to then would be from a romantic relationship between the stepparent and the child's moral The is that some stepparents the of of a stepparent treat the as a and as a in the of the legal I hope it is stepparents are not moral parents, and so accounts would it if they to stepparents of to being part of a The that some stepparents are not to the parental to a third of to moral parents are those who have parental into a because this about the the parental it will the stepparent who has as a parent not out of love and for the but as a of her romantic it is better for the child that she has a stepparent who her well as to it to such a stepparent as a moral It is not that of the monist accounts are well to the stepparent. The account has been developed to account for morally of biological The account has been developed to the parent as a moral parent that the parent always be a social or legal The account has been developed to the value of in a where do all the and yet are and the of monist to an monist account of moral parenthood that is when it comes to stepparents as a of the parental In the I argue that the stepparent a moral parent herself in a where she the relationship she with her and she of her to the of the child in a way. One that this is just like to the parental or into a well be but as will it is not to consent to the parental or to as a biological parent moral parent the of her child for the while the of the discussion so arrangements in many of the to that many stepparent–stepchild relationships are as and important as many biological or relationships. worse, philosophical accounts of moral parenthood have not yet the of stepparents as moral parents. they the to that is moral and that is moral if they are they the stepparent as In I defend an account of moral parenthood that is and so can the of biological parents, parents, and I discuss the of a societal in a think of stepparents in I that moral can both biological parents and parents as moral parents. I to this to account for the stepparent–stepchild are some between how these relationships are and the level of social that they from the moral parenthood will in cases where the parent is morally to the where moral and morally to one as Let me a moral to a relationship to stepparents have to the moral value of their relationship with a child and be this very is not to that to the but to out that a moral parent that the relationship is and that it their have just a stepparent who the relationship with her romantic but the child a is not a moral parent even if they to like the child and are to do parental for the of the romantic In to the moral value of the relationship, moral parents in that such and the of their children to a level and the for their to go is moral parent because he a in the for the relationship with but to the level of loving he in the of biological he would not as moral a moral to a child as a or be is and child would not as moral parents, even if they to all of the child's with the as as they are allowed to loving in a child's life, they have been to a moral is morally about the parental the of a when that has been for that if moral parents do not stepparents to moral parents in the they must their romantic relationships life. the that I will to this At this one about who love the and whether this account them. is to about all moral parents. is an important between loving who time with the and those who the the loving does not a moral parent because she her in parenting she a moral parent if she herself the In so as the father has the child's he is the moral not loving of the One the moral to parent to the morally as to the biological parent and the The is a morally parent is a morally and this is not of those who consent to being in a relationship, of those who parental or of those who a in the child's while it is to the of moral parenthood in the of and will be some in time where a stepparent is morally such that she a moral is when she the relationship with her of the relationship with the child's biological It is when she and on to her the of will then and it will not with the of the romantic relationship that the stepparent and as the stepparent the for the child's to go she will to as a moral are the social and legal of an account of moral parenthood that adoptive, biological and stepparents on a I see it, the be more with the of the relationship between child and parent than the it is well that biological parents can be and come to know that the does not It is that it is for the legal to biological and relationships the legal to them. that are in the of best into they have to look legal and biological in to who be the of a legal or an separation involving children. The is to the biological parents and parents on the basis that they are biological or parents. that to the best of the child into account her to relationships with all her moral parents without on It that have to to and it legal and have started to some in this and have to the important parental many stepparents in One well that stepparents be children separation the biological or parent and the and of a relationship with the that the and the child in the that the of parenthood for the child's and the child's without of financial and that the has been in a parental for a of time to have with the child a relationship parental in a in the but it some of moral a stepparent be a parent and so not to the a stepparent not with the child but as well as every and school holidays with many be not to that are often out and such as and I the between a moral parent and who love and for a child is that only moral parents are in the of in the child's for the of her look whether the the stepparent is in and whether it is out for the of a child's Let me this four objections to my account. The comes from that some stepparents the of Let this the The to the that some an abandoned biological or Let this the third that are important between how a biological parent a and how a stepparent a Let this the about the of the parental in cases involving biological or parents who are Let this the What is which to have many a of in the kid, as in kid, not The is that the stepparent an in while the biological or parent the in parenting her The the stepparent the are not their or a in a have a and a are stepparents that they on the romantic relationship and not the and that their is to be of their in their parenting is a to in to this it is to the it has on children without for the of that some families are better off this and that the children are not in this In such I am to that the stepparent in is not a moral and they not be the relationship come to an end. In the that some biological and parents to the level of moral parents because they morally to the some stepparents will moral parents. parenting does not for this account. it is important to that would to be very about the of this on their children. in it to children each has their own biological or enjoy the a of parental on the part of the stepparent as a of and feel as a It be the that the biological or parent parent herself to and important and that parenting to children being to their own not the moral and emotional they are morally entitled it is important to that the more time a child with a the more the of and the less it is for the stepparent not to What is that the stepparent does but in a cold-hearted way. The child is then to but the of that it for to go well and Let to the The is that biological or parents will be if their them and then claim their children. What of this one, don't think that when it comes to a separation involving biological or parents, the that to the relationship is less entitled to the children. relationships can for all of and be not to treat people as because they in a romantic relationship and to this is even if are children It is for a biological or parent if they a person in their child's only to have that person walk away with shared if the relationship between stepparent and as of the romantic relationship that them can see that in some cases the stepparent a moral parent some in and so entitled as the biological or parent to their relationship with their It is important to that moral parents can to some from this since they a in the as to whether or not they a romantic relationship in a that to a stepparent a moral if biological parents or parents don't to in a where their children moral parents in the of their they give on or their romantic relationship not to that the romantic of relationship with the but just to that the relationship would be one that without for the of the In the that a child time with their or the child would then time with their but not in a that to the the me to the The is that the between the biological parent and the stepparent them having since on the of it, it to claim that only the biological parent is entitled to morally to a I agree that can be important for biological parents are in a to to a but I that is moral to the moral biological parents are capable of morally to a child to birth because they are the only parents capable of the value of the child as well as in that the value of the they not to have an not to to the in the and and that the child is she has moral parents and anyone who to a moral parent to that child do so since this would in the moral that are in is in the of The romantic relationship between a biological or parent and a stepparent is but not It stepparents in a where they can morally to a child without the that are in it is not the romantic relationship that does the it is the that a stepparent herself the for a child's to go well the of to the that the relationship she has with her her Let me the discussion to the that my account of moral parenthood will open the parental children with many moral parents, that a biological or is for a person to a moral parent to a when the of moral parents who are and who stepparents to a child's life. moral parents be of how their romantic their children. It is their not to romantic moral parents they feel that the romantic relationship has a of one, that children often for a separation involving their parents and it is just very for children to relationships in the of a one et al. had this her loss as on the of of (Coleman et al. 2015, 782). a has not to herself to in relationships with her romantic think just many many I'm a it just meeting a person and then them I'm just not it (Coleman et al. 2015, 782). is that father to emotional needs The is whether he would have her to so many if in a that stepparents as moral parents. In my account of moral parenthood even have the effect of the since moral parents be more about their children to in a where those stepparent–stepchild relationships It is that even when parents children have stepparents in their and some of the romantic relationships between parents and stepparents the that to moral parenthood has been the child with a moral parents than they would have had if the biological or parent more in the of this children with who about them, and are in the of the for their to go be In the that an can have children and be a parent to all of them, children can have parents and have a with each one of them. children as the of their parents and them as with and moral will be less the of moral parents. even come to that parents are the not the and it has been to very and I would like to the of the of in and the of to and two for the of for on for this was made the the has not been in and is not The of