“You don’t need to be fixed”: Working with a neurodiverse family

This article describes the author’s experience of working with a couple, where one partner had diagnoses of attention deficit disorder (ADD) and Asperger’s syndrome (AS), and whose only child had diagnoses of syndrome without a name (SWAN) and autism spectrum disorder (ASD). It explores how neurodiversity impacted their relationship, and charts the couple’s progress from viewing neurodiversity, and the neurodivergent partner, as a problem to be fixed, to recognising the differences each half of the couple brought to their relationship and to viewing those differences as something about which they could be curious, and even embracing. Reference is made to the impact of neurodiversity, present in both families of origin, on the partners’ initial unconscious attraction, projective system, and couple fit. The author explores her own transference and countertransference as the mother of an autistic child, from whose father she was separated. Finally, the issue of therapist self‐disclosure (of lived experience of neurodiversity) is considered.